Contemplation, plus New York

Ha, I look back at my last post and see just how immature I was. Crazy. 

Anyways, I’ve had time to think about a lot. I’ve been in New York the past month and I’ve been getting an amazing amount of opportunities here. I’ve been interning with this group called Unipro (Pilipino American Unity for Progress) and doing PR work for them for a conference on June 2nd. These people are amazing: they are young motivated professionals doing work. They are med-students, college grads, among them Ivy League grads. It’s funny because for once, I’m the young guy. New York has definitely been a culture shock, and what I’ve been doing is listening and observing how everyone in the organization operates. Most definitely, it has taught me how to be humble. One of my faults last year is that I was a little cocky about everything I was doing, with all the leadership. Even now, when I’m working with the best of the best in the Pilipino community, I’m going to be coming back with literally things that will impress others. New York is the place to be. 

As for me and my love life, I’m pretty much over it at this point. I’ve had the ability to meet so many people in such a short time that dwelling in the past with one girl, no matter how amazing she seemed. Who knows: maybe I’ll find someone here? 

On the whole subject of growing up, these people are infinitely more mature than I am. The way they do things and carry themselves is well beyond me. One have thing I’ve observed is that they are ridiculously scheduled in what they do. They all have full time jobs, yet set time aside to do non-profit work. This has led me to the realization that I gotta give up things that wouldn’t benefit me in the long run. Less youtube, 9gag, and video game time. I have to continue to spend time with work and God, keeping myself occupied with things that will help me. 

I’m blessed to have met Christians here. It is indeed part of Pinoy culture (Filipinos are more or less Roman Catholic), but it’s a good thing that many of them can keep me accountable. Met a musician and we had a great conversation. I might meet Tim Keller (and hopefully Jeremy Lin too) as a result!

It’s only been little over a week and I already know that NYC is going to be amazing. Glory to God!

Can I forgive?

I hate girls. They’re too damn difficult to understand. Before I accepted Christ, I took advantage of girls. My past relationships were very sexually driven and very superficial. After I broke up with my last girlfriend, I went on for a good month and a half abusing women. I went to parties at least once a week and made out/had sex with multiple women. I even did this at ECAASU this year. I danced with the girl, ended up making out with her. Most of all, there was hardly any emotional attachment. I forgot all of these girl’s names. Whenever I broke up with a girl, there were no urges to text. I never shed tears for a girl. So tell me God: why am I crying so much from this one situation?

This girl was pretty cute. I was surprised at how much we had in common when we got to know each other. Both Filipino. Both kinda quirky. Both gamers. It seemed pretty logical for me to pursue her. We had a good friendship. She told me a lot about her troubles, and I’ve prayed with her through a lot of it. I could’ve really appreciated a girl like her wholly. 

All my mentors keep telling me that the best relationship is a relationship where God is the focus. You get attracted to someone pursuing God because since God is such a relevant part of your life, it plucks at your heartstrings. This girl was questioning motivation to be in a relationship. What better motivation is there than to share God with that other person? When I realized this and talked to my mentor and future roommate about it, he gave me a fist bump. 

Then, a challenger appears out of nowhere. A guy I competed with. A person whom I formerly respected. I confronted him before winter break because I knew something was up and everyone said it was the mature thing to do. The conversation went something like this (almost verbatim):

Me: “Hey we both like the same girl. So yeah, we’re competing. Thing is, you’re being super aggressive. You’re someone I respect, so possibly back off?”
Him: “Okay, that’s fair.”
M: “Why do you like her?”
H: “I don’t know why I like her. I see her more of a sister.”
M: “I like her for a million reasons.”
H: “Okay, I’ll back off. I’m setting up ice skating. You should go pursue her.”
M: “Lololololol I’ll try. I’m not that good at ice skating.” 
Both: “Lolololol.” 

Over time, bunch of shit happened. He ends up doing the opposite of what he said, which hurt. Wrote something on tumblr that she ends up seeing. From there, we essentially stopped talking and acknowledging each other. What’s worse is that they started their relationship just days after we fought.

Really? Talaga?

How does it feel to be lied to someone you respected? How does it feel to emotionally get punched in the gut? How does it feel to get your heart broken? Shit. That’s what it feels like. 

I got the world telling me it won’t work out. My roommates and tons of friends told me that they weren’t going to end up together despite the guy being desperate and whatnot.

I got my pastor telling me that she’s not putting God first because she’s essentially in a relationship with someone that rejects God. My own track during Chapter Focus Week told me that beliefs influence actions. So tell me: if two partners have different beliefs, how is possibly going to work out?

My campus chaplain told me that if someone were to get into a relationship with someone that isn’t Christian, the only way for it to work is if that person accepted Christ. The Christian cannot further their relationship with God and their relationship with that other person. It just isn’t possible because then the Christian gets completely confused on who to trust: their partner or God. Maybe he’ll accept Christ, but how can he when he’s rejected God for so long?

What’s worst is that there’s scripture telling me it won’t work out. The Bible has a lot to say with Christians dating non-Christians.

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said,“I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them…and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. (2 Corinthians 14-17).

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12-16).

Tell me: how can I accept all this? It’s very difficult to accept God’s will, especially when it doesn’t go according to your wisdom. Happened too much in my life. 

I’m so broken. I hurt myself. I hurt her. I hurt him. I hurt the community. Most of all, I hurt God. I love God so much. I praise Him so much. I shed tears when I worship and pray to Him. Why am I hurting the very thing that’s trying to save me?

My track taught me the importance of the Gospel and the Kingdom of God in our faith. The life of Jesus and the Good News is so integral in our faith that if it weren’t there, Christianity would crumble. The Gospel calls us to forgive those who’ve trespassed against us:

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25.)

God Himself wants me to forgive. People want me to forgive them. I myself want to forgive them. Not only to forgive those who’ve wronged us but also to pray for them and care for them, as Jesus did. But I simply can’t right now. Whether or not they break up or get married, I can’t separate their person from their sin. It’s wrong for someone to be associated with the things they’ve done. People are judged by their heart and their character. 

And well, My heart is broken at the moment. Even though I’m such a passionate Christian, I’m also one of the worst. I need a savior more than ever. 

Oh, Momma Belaguas

Momma Belaguas came through today and we grabbed breakfast. I love my mom a lot and it was awesome of her to come down, even though she had to leave immediately. Ever since I accepted Christ and talked to her about my faith, my relationship with her has become better than ever. 

I shared a lot about how my year went. She discerned a lot of wisdom to me in the brief time we spent together. She told me the things I expected to hear, but needed to because it holds me accountable. But she did tell me things that are new. One thing is that as a Christian, you should love everyone, but you should have a select few that you trust. God’s love should be shared, but that doesn’t mean that everyone is going to be your friend. Friend is a very powerful word. Just because someone says that you’re their good friend doesn’t mean that you feel the same way. I realize that I guess I do show love, but there are very few people I trust. I guess that’s a good thing, but I need a better view as to who to trust. 

Another thing I realized is that you never stop growing with God. Even in her 50s, my mom continues to grow with God. One thing she learned to accept is when I changed my major from engineering to history. It was very difficult for her to adjust because Asian Americans in general associate success and happiness with money. My mom was so worried and thought I was going to fail. But, she knows that I’ve been trusting God a lot recently and that He has been opening a lot of doors in unexpected areas. She trusted the Lord a lot and it’s given her a multitude of blessings. She knows that now, it’s His turn to work through me. 

Self-awareness

I never realized how much I hurt people subconsciously. It may be just a gut reaction to certain things, but part of it is my pride. I always have this mindset that I’m better than everyone else and it’s led me to hurting others. Even at times, even if you think or if you are right, but it ends up hurting people, then you’re wrong. It’s better to be humble and take a step back than to be wrong and condescending. Treating others with respect and with love is key.

Part of how to fix the brokedness within me is to accept God even more and more. I haven’t been praying recently, talking to God because I have been a little too stress free. But in both happy times and in times of strife, you need to accept God. He’s the type to hold everyone accountable. In both instances, there is opportunity for sin. At the same time, there is opportunity for growth.

I’ve been accepting the fact that I am filled with pride. I’m very confident in myself, to the point where I get cocky and malicious. It’s a step in the right direction in my maturity to accept the wrong in me, but it doesn’t mean that I am mature. It’s one step in a never-ending stairway.

Being Christian isn’t just about feeling good about yourself because you have God in your life. A lot of it is about feeling a little crappy about yourself because there are areas within you that God needs to fix.

God’s peace

I’m a little sick. There is a lot of hectic stuff going on at Pitt with the bomb threats. Still got some personal sins to work through. Got a final due tomorrow. Yet I’m so relaxed for some odd reason. Must be God’s peace, giving me clarity. 

Alcohol

Yesterday, I drank for the first time in ages. I still kinda remember everything I did. I was kinda loud, obnoxious. Most of all, I was malicious with my words and judged some people that didn’t deserve judgement.

Alcohol isn’t the sin, but the things that come along with it are. Gotta control myself.

Hillsong

It’s crazy…first time I listened to Hillsong, I didn’t get it. I had a rant about it earlier. I thought they were too sappy. Now, I’ve been listening to them non-stop. On another note, I’ve been listening to a lot of Gospel music as well. It isn’t just Christian rap anymore. All these new things I’m being exposed to brings a lot of awareness on how other people show their love for God. 

People are the biggest evidence for God

Can’t really go around not caring for people when everyone has a little bit of God within them. I really need to be more open to people and really care for them and most of all, receive their love, before I can go around giving other people God’s love.

Pick a fight with God

and you will lose. 

But continue fighting for His honor, as it will only make you stronger in faith. Romans 5:3

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.